Words to Share


Over the years, when the darkness takes over my brain and makes me feel less than, words flow through me like a river. These are my thoughts, fears, dreams, everything. They are raw and unedited, were written in the moment and reveal a part of me that I have hidden from the world all these years. I never thought I would share them with anyone, but this is the real me, the one who feels too much, but keeps fighting, not matter how close I get to giving up.
I hope you enjoy them

Undated: Written between 2014-2017

Talking to people,
	It makes you vulnerable.
You open yourself to
	A stranger,
		A friend,
			A loved one.
They take it with them
	And your felt empty.
Talking to people is 
	Terrifying,
		Exhilarating,
			Nerve wrecking
				Helpful.
You never admit it,
	But you need them,
Otherwise your thoughts
	Would consume you,
		Kill you even.
It helps to strengthen you,
	Talking to people.

Time and time again
History repeats itself
	Wars happen over and over again
	Recession, tyrant governments,
		EVERYTHING
Personal history too.
Don’t forget about yourself.
	Falling for the same tricks.
	Going back to certain habits
	Having the same problems 
		Time and time again
Every year is a new start,
	And a new end.
But never forget
	History repeats itself
	Time and time again

I tell myself you don't
	Affect me
But you do.

Once a year, every year
	You bend me to your will
Even though you're an ocean 
	Away.
You still make me want 
	To believe in the good
Yet you remind me every
	Year that I'm not 1st
Or 2nd or even 3rd place.

You probably never think of me
	I'm always last for you
Why can't I accept it
	And move on?
Why do you still matter so much.

I guess I'll keep telling myself
	You don't affect me. 

The smell of fire
Brings back memories
	Girl scouts,
		Bonfires,
	Barbeques,
		Childhood,
	Innocence,
The best time of my life. 

Time. 
	It creeps up slowly.
	Time to go back to school.
	Time to go to work.
	Time to get married,
		Have kids,
		Get a house.
Every day is a time to do 
	Something.
Nothing is spontaneous
	Anymore.
Because there is a time 
	for everything 
And everything happens 
	In time. 

Pain hurts.
Thanks for the update
	Captain obvious
	
But what people forgot
Is it hurts more than physically.
	Mentally,
You are torturing yourself,
Making yourself feel pain
Because you don't know what else to do.

You think you deserve the pain, 
You are not worthy of happiness.
Everyone who once made you happy
	Left you in disappointment.
Now you've come to the conclusion:
	"I'm not allowed to be happy,
					I must feel pain."

I let myself get lost
	In my thoughts
	Good or bad.
I let myself go.
It doesn't always
	Turn out good
Nor is it bearable.
But I do it.
	I let myself feel.
	I let myself break.
But not after hiding
	It from everyone
	For months.
My thoughts are my 
		Demons.
	Only I can truly fight them.
And some days they 
Call me brother. 

You broke me
	but I'm not broken
You kept a piece of me
	The most important piece
		my love for you
I can't get it back
	But stop lying
		Stop manipulating me
	Stop making me believe in
		A relationship with you.
I'm sick of the lies
	The constant shattering 
		Of my love for you.
	I'm not broken,
		But you did break me.
	
		
		

FUCK YOU

The night
	It calms me.

The quiet
	The dark
		The endless possibilities

While everyone sleeps
	My mind races
		Where is the finish line?
Will I get there faster
	With short cuts
Or should I enjoy the journey.

The only dark side 
	To the night is
		The demons.
They haunt me. 

Life sucks
You think people will be there
But they disappoint
They leave
They break you
And they don't really care.
Life fucking sucks.

You may not be there to call my name,
But the moon does,
I know you're there,
When the moon is full,
When it’s barely there,
When it plays peak-a-boo with the world,
When it tries with all its might to shine at all.

I'm drawn to the outside.
Words can't describe the nights
When we just sit there,
In each other's presence.
You are forever in my heart,
And in my soul.
Forever I will be your Pejicka. ❤ 

People stare,
	They question,
		They wonder
But they never
		Open their mouths
You can tell them
	They look at you confused,
		Intrigued,
			Confused,
				Scared,
	But most importantly
		Confused.
But that's life,
	You deal with it,
		Fight it,
	Until you have no fight left,
		Then you accept it. 

If it weren't for you
	I wouldn't be here
	I wouldn't be strong
	I wouldn't be broken
	I wouldn't have fallen
I'm no angel
	I know that,
But I'm lost,
	I could be that angel that
	Lost her wings
	
If it weren't for you
	All
I wouldn't be who I am today.
	Thank you.
You shaped and molded 
	Me into a more perfect
	Version of myself. 

What doesn't kill you makes you
		STRONGER
But what if it kills a piece of you
	Are you stronger
Or actually weaker?

Pain.
	It doesn't go away.
	It's the longest stage of grief.
	It hits when you least expect.

You can't stop it
	Can't fight it
	Can't change it.

All you can do is
	Embrace it.

Let it remind you of the good.
	Don't let it take over.
	Remember it’s a part of you
	Not who you are.

You won't outgrow it,
	But you will grow from it.


Pain.
	It's not who you are.
	It's how you let it affect you.

Let it be a piece of you.
	Not all of you.


Pain.
	It demands to be felt.

So feel it,
	Don’t become it. 

I can't tell,
	Is the ground shaking
		Under me
	Or is it my own brain?

I can't tell,
	Am I cold,
		Or am I panicking?

I can't tell,
	Is there something in my
		House at night
	Or am I just being paranoid.

I can't tell,
	Does everyone hate me
		And talk about me 
		Behind my back
	Or am I just making it up?

I can't tell.
	Is the whole world
		Falling apart
	Or is it all coming back?

I can't tell. 

People are like cigarettes.
	No really,
		Think about it.

You breathe in and out
	A person leaves,
		Or they come into your life.

People are an addiction
	They won't give you cancer,
		But they can kill you.

They take some of you,
	Making you weaker to
		Other issues

They kill you slowly,
	Just like when you think
		A drag is just going to
			Help take away the current
								Pain.
They kill you slowly,
	Taking the breathe from you.
		People are exactly like
			Cigarettes. 

There is something 
About being awake
While everyone is
		Asleep.
Its like you can
See their dreams.
Feel their feelings.
Be there for them,
And they don't even
		Know.
You're there and the 
Need you, but they cant 
		Tell you.
They will never tell 
You, but you know,
You know you're
There during their 
Late night confusions.
You are always there. 

You can try to break me,
	But I'm not glass
You can try to make me explode,
	But I'm not a volcano
You can try to ruin my life
	But there's nothing in my way
You can try
	But remember I'm stronger
	Then I look.
	Weakness is not
	Breaking down.
	One only breaks
	Down when they
	Have been strong
	For so long.
I am NOT weak
Keep your sledgehammer,
It does only harm to
You

This is new for me.
	I don’t know what we are,
	But I'm okay with that.

I enjoy talking to you,
	There's something about you.
	I just want to tell you everything.

I don't know 
	If it's just feelings I have 
		Toward you
		That are making me do it,
	Or just who you are.

But I can definitely 
	Tell you
		That I truly appreciate 
	The opportunity to be 
	your friend
		And whatever else
This may be. 

I tell myself "I'm talking to 
				God."
But it's me who's listening.
I keep trying to "find myself"
Identity is so important 
			To me.
I can't let go of the
	Flag,
	History,
	Nationality,
	Memories.

But yet something is
			Missing.
Can I be more than 
	My Birth?
	My Situation?
Or is that all I am?
	Who I am?
		Am I Anyone?

Written Somewhere over the Atlantic – Feb. 2014

Stars at night
Oh, how you shine so bright
	Over the Atlantic
		Out in the countryside

Always reminding me of 
	Dreams, 
		lost or current,
	Wishes, 
		good or bad
And all those who came before us.

Your beauty
	your simplicity
One day I hope to be by your side
	And you by mine
Then we'll just be stars in the night

07/27/2014

It's a cycle.
Just as the washer spins un circles
	So do my emotions.
This never ending ring around.

Somedays you step into the light
	Others it’s a hurricane
		Ripping foundations from the ground.

All that was stable
	Now is miles away,
		Torn apart

You never want to stop under
	The eye of the storm
		But you're thrown,
		You can't evacuate,
		Or so you thought.

The sirens stop,
	The calm enters
	And the clouds evaporate.
It may not be today,
It may not be tomorrow,

But the skies will clear
And your town will still be there,
					For you. 

Written over the U.K. – May 2015

Sitting in the back,
	No windows, no light,
Having no access to the armrest,
	Switching between movies and music.
This is economy,
	This is traveling alone
This is growing up.

Missing the earth's beauty
Imagining the land at 5am
The lights in the country
	Slowly waking up
Ready to experience a new day
One that has no ended
	For me and those I left.
	
But imagination keeps 
Fueling courage and 
The earth, who in one side
		Is just going to bed,
While the other side is just
			Waking up.


2016

03/18/2016

My addictions will be the death of me.
But which one will rise to the top,
and be the one to win and take it all?
That's the real question.

Alcohol, smoking, the lying, the creating a false reality for myself, constant dreaming, pessimism, over analyzing, not sleeping enough, mentally not being present, living in my brain instead of reality, music, escaping by whatever means possible, caffeine, or myself.

The thought terrifies me,
But it's one I live with everyday,
Acknowledging that I am weak,
and one day they will take over,
and I wouldn't put up a fight anymore.

It's life, and I'll accept as that.
Because it is, isn't it?

06/08/2016

Life can be a bitch
But don’t let it get you down
It will be alright.

No matter how far 
No matter the problem. I
Will always be here.

Distance sucks, a lot
I really wish I was close,
Hate to see you pained. 

06/23/2016

There's something about the night. 
It's calls me,
Like a mother does a child. 
Only is it when the sun goes down,
and the moon rises
Do I feel at home
At peace.
The stars are my siblings,
The moon, my parent,
The sky, my future. 
The possibilities are endless,
There's no saying what can happen. 
As more nights pass, 
The stronger the yearning 
To be with those who I've lost
And those who have lived.

06/28/2016

The things in life,
That have meaning and worth,
Never come easy,
When it feels right,
No matter the obstacles one must endure,
The final result will be that much more 
							meaningful. 

07/16/2016

Things happen.
For a reason, right?

What if they don't?
What if there is no reason anything happens,
Except to stress you out,
Freak you out,
Cause you pain.
No reason,
Except to turn you colder.

08/11/2016

Dreams don't only happen
while you sleep,
				Nor nightmares.
Dreams do come true,
But not without their 
				rough patches.
Even if the road isn't paved 
				smoothly,
Doesn't mean that the path 
isn't worth 
				the trip, 
Sometimes those 
				bumpy 
side roads lead to the 
				best adventures. 


2017

02/08/2017

original: 
Ja sam se izgubila.
Help me, please.
The moon calls me like you used to
Reminding me when I was your little
girl
You're not around,
But you're always there. 
Molim te,
Budi tu za mene opet
Nemoj mene zaboravit
Ja sam uvijek tovja Pejicka.
translated:
I've lost myself.
Help me, please.
The moon calls me like you used to
Reminding me when I was your little girl
You're not around,
But you're always there. 
Please,
Be there for me again
Don't forget me
I will always be your Pejicka.

03/31/17

Stars at night
	Only shine so bright.
The moon
	Can sometimes hide
But that doesn't mean
	The darkness is
		The only answer.

Dawn comes around
	The sun greets you again
The pain fades
	And new experiences 
		Bring joy
			And memories
				That will never fade.

Accept the darkness
	Welcome it
But let it know
	When its overstayed 
		Its welcome. 


2018

03/09/2018

Taking off,
	Starting a new adventure,
	escaping life,

enjoying the new,
	The old,
	The history

Making new memories,
	Recreating old,
Giving the world a reason to turn

Hearing the engines turn into high gear,
Playing the sweet symphony that is the unknown,
Getting ready to race down the runway,

Running,
	Racing,
		Going,
			Going,
				Going,
					Gone,
						To the new


2019

03/15/2019

Clouds,
	The sky's fluff,
You bring 
	Rain
		Storms
			Snow
	Crying
		Anger
			Emptiness

But at the same time
You bring 
	Innocence 
		Beauty
			Joy/.; 
	Animals in the sky

Flying through you causes
	Turbulence 
		Stress
			Paranoia
				Screams

Getting to watch the sun 
Make its daily appearance 
	Relief
		Happiness

A reminder that 
	better days are to come.

05/03/2019

Feeling like nothing,
	Even though I do everything,
Somehow it is not enough

I need to do more
	To become a shell
Never feel
	Enjoy
		Breathe
			Sleep

Become the nothing I feel
The air that surrounds everyone
The dust that covers world
The negative energy that surrounds me

I am nothing
	I feel nothing
		Nothing is me. 

06/04/2019

The clouds surround me
I know I'm on a plane, 
But something makes me 
Wish I was flying through them myself

06/08/2019

I am surrounded by 
	brightness,
		Hope,
			Sun,
				Endless potential.

All I see is
	Darkness,
		Despair,
			Black hole,
				Constant disappointment.

It's a cycle
That never ends,
No matter the settings. 

But everyone is always
trying to make me 
See the good in
	me,
		the world,
			anything. 

But I can't see it
Something is making me blind
Not letting me 
	see my potential,
		grow,
			Breathe, 
				Or just be.

It's all I want.
The darkness to leave,
And the light to take its place.


2020


2021

10/08/2021

One day,
	I know you're going to break me

There won't be any
	Bruises,
		Marks,
			Broken bones,
But I will forever
	Be missing pieces

I didn't mean to 
give so much 
And It kills me 
To say this out loud

When you love,
You give a piece of yourself
	A piece you will never get back
		One that you will always miss
			One that can never be replaced. 

There will be no evidence of the pain,
Just the 
	Poems
		Stories
			Song lyrics as statuses we used to post as kids

But I'll know,
	I'll know what you meant to me,
And the place I have to
	burrowed myself into,
		to not let the pain break me 

I hope this fear isn't true,
	That I haven't predicted my future pain
		That I have let myself go into the comfort of my doubts
			As a form of self-preservation
Because if I am right
	I don't think I'll ever be able to come back from it.

As I lay here, 
	In your arms, 
		you start to fall asleep,
I whisper my pleas to your chest,
Hoping that you will hear me, 
		But not hear my fear 
			Worries or
				doubts
	Please,
		Don't break me 

10/12/2021

Contentment
	A word that is# only known by feeling it
That is what I feel when I'm with you

It's what I felt stating in front of the river with you that night
	The waves acting as my anchor, 
	the moon's presence grounding me, 
	The bridge reminding me of home.

You are my new home
And I never want to imagine a time
	Where I won't feel this,
		Or have you to hold me and remind me that I am not alone.

10/12/2021

Too comfortable means            fear
Means                            I need to run
I need to                        leave and 
				 never look back

If I stay, 
I won’t know who I am anymore