Over the years, when the darkness takes over my brain and makes me feel less than, words flow through me like a river. These are my thoughts, fears, dreams, everything. They are raw and unedited, were written in the moment and reveal a part of me that I have hidden from the world all these years. I never thought I would share them with anyone, but this is the real me, the one who feels too much, but keeps fighting, not matter how close I get to giving up.
I hope you enjoy them
Undated: Written between 2014-2017
Talking to people, It makes you vulnerable. You open yourself to A stranger, A friend, A loved one. They take it with them And your felt empty. Talking to people is Terrifying, Exhilarating, Nerve wrecking Helpful. You never admit it, But you need them, Otherwise your thoughts Would consume you, Kill you even. It helps to strengthen you, Talking to people.
Time and time again History repeats itself Wars happen over and over again Recession, tyrant governments, EVERYTHING Personal history too. Don’t forget about yourself. Falling for the same tricks. Going back to certain habits Having the same problems Time and time again Every year is a new start, And a new end. But never forget History repeats itself Time and time again
I tell myself you don't Affect me But you do. Once a year, every year You bend me to your will Even though you're an ocean Away. You still make me want To believe in the good Yet you remind me every Year that I'm not 1st Or 2nd or even 3rd place. You probably never think of me I'm always last for you Why can't I accept it And move on? Why do you still matter so much. I guess I'll keep telling myself You don't affect me.
The smell of fire Brings back memories Girl scouts, Bonfires, Barbeques, Childhood, Innocence, The best time of my life.
Time. It creeps up slowly. Time to go back to school. Time to go to work. Time to get married, Have kids, Get a house. Every day is a time to do Something. Nothing is spontaneous Anymore. Because there is a time for everything And everything happens In time.
Pain hurts. Thanks for the update Captain obvious But what people forgot Is it hurts more than physically. Mentally, You are torturing yourself, Making yourself feel pain Because you don't know what else to do. You think you deserve the pain, You are not worthy of happiness. Everyone who once made you happy Left you in disappointment. Now you've come to the conclusion: "I'm not allowed to be happy, I must feel pain."
I let myself get lost In my thoughts Good or bad. I let myself go. It doesn't always Turn out good Nor is it bearable. But I do it. I let myself feel. I let myself break. But not after hiding It from everyone For months. My thoughts are my Demons. Only I can truly fight them. And some days they Call me brother.
You broke me but I'm not broken You kept a piece of me The most important piece my love for you I can't get it back But stop lying Stop manipulating me Stop making me believe in A relationship with you. I'm sick of the lies The constant shattering Of my love for you. I'm not broken, But you did break me. FUCK YOU
The night It calms me. The quiet The dark The endless possibilities While everyone sleeps My mind races Where is the finish line? Will I get there faster With short cuts Or should I enjoy the journey. The only dark side To the night is The demons. They haunt me.
Life sucks You think people will be there But they disappoint They leave They break you And they don't really care. Life fucking sucks.
You may not be there to call my name, But the moon does, I know you're there, When the moon is full, When it’s barely there, When it plays peak-a-boo with the world, When it tries with all its might to shine at all. I'm drawn to the outside. Words can't describe the nights When we just sit there, In each other's presence. You are forever in my heart, And in my soul. Forever I will be your Pejicka. ❤
People stare, They question, They wonder But they never Open their mouths You can tell them They look at you confused, Intrigued, Confused, Scared, But most importantly Confused. But that's life, You deal with it, Fight it, Until you have no fight left, Then you accept it.
If it weren't for you I wouldn't be here I wouldn't be strong I wouldn't be broken I wouldn't have fallen I'm no angel I know that, But I'm lost, I could be that angel that Lost her wings If it weren't for you All I wouldn't be who I am today. Thank you. You shaped and molded Me into a more perfect Version of myself.
What doesn't kill you makes you STRONGER But what if it kills a piece of you Are you stronger Or actually weaker?
Pain. It doesn't go away. It's the longest stage of grief. It hits when you least expect. You can't stop it Can't fight it Can't change it. All you can do is Embrace it. Let it remind you of the good. Don't let it take over. Remember it’s a part of you Not who you are. You won't outgrow it, But you will grow from it. Pain. It's not who you are. It's how you let it affect you. Let it be a piece of you. Not all of you. Pain. It demands to be felt. So feel it, Don’t become it.
I can't tell, Is the ground shaking Under me Or is it my own brain? I can't tell, Am I cold, Or am I panicking? I can't tell, Is there something in my House at night Or am I just being paranoid. I can't tell, Does everyone hate me And talk about me Behind my back Or am I just making it up? I can't tell. Is the whole world Falling apart Or is it all coming back? I can't tell.
People are like cigarettes. No really, Think about it. You breathe in and out A person leaves, Or they come into your life. People are an addiction They won't give you cancer, But they can kill you. They take some of you, Making you weaker to Other issues They kill you slowly, Just like when you think A drag is just going to Help take away the current Pain. They kill you slowly, Taking the breathe from you. People are exactly like Cigarettes.
There is something About being awake While everyone is Asleep. Its like you can See their dreams. Feel their feelings. Be there for them, And they don't even Know. You're there and the Need you, but they cant Tell you. They will never tell You, but you know, You know you're There during their Late night confusions. You are always there.
You can try to break me, But I'm not glass You can try to make me explode, But I'm not a volcano You can try to ruin my life But there's nothing in my way You can try But remember I'm stronger Then I look. Weakness is not Breaking down. One only breaks Down when they Have been strong For so long. I am NOT weak Keep your sledgehammer, It does only harm to You
This is new for me. I don’t know what we are, But I'm okay with that. I enjoy talking to you, There's something about you. I just want to tell you everything. I don't know If it's just feelings I have Toward you That are making me do it, Or just who you are. But I can definitely Tell you That I truly appreciate The opportunity to be your friend And whatever else This may be.
I tell myself "I'm talking to God." But it's me who's listening. I keep trying to "find myself" Identity is so important To me. I can't let go of the Flag, History, Nationality, Memories. But yet something is Missing. Can I be more than My Birth? My Situation? Or is that all I am? Who I am? Am I Anyone?
Written Somewhere over the Atlantic – Feb. 2014
Stars at night Oh, how you shine so bright Over the Atlantic Out in the countryside Always reminding me of Dreams, lost or current, Wishes, good or bad And all those who came before us. Your beauty your simplicity One day I hope to be by your side And you by mine Then we'll just be stars in the night
It's a cycle. Just as the washer spins un circles So do my emotions. This never ending ring around. Somedays you step into the light Others it’s a hurricane Ripping foundations from the ground. All that was stable Now is miles away, Torn apart You never want to stop under The eye of the storm But you're thrown, You can't evacuate, Or so you thought. The sirens stop, The calm enters And the clouds evaporate. It may not be today, It may not be tomorrow, But the skies will clear And your town will still be there, For you.
Written over the U.K. – May 2015
Sitting in the back, No windows, no light, Having no access to the armrest, Switching between movies and music. This is economy, This is traveling alone This is growing up. Missing the earth's beauty Imagining the land at 5am The lights in the country Slowly waking up Ready to experience a new day One that has no ended For me and those I left. But imagination keeps Fueling courage and The earth, who in one side Is just going to bed, While the other side is just Waking up.
My addictions will be the death of me. But which one will rise to the top, and be the one to win and take it all? That's the real question. Alcohol, smoking, the lying, the creating a false reality for myself, constant dreaming, pessimism, over analyzing, not sleeping enough, mentally not being present, living in my brain instead of reality, music, escaping by whatever means possible, caffeine, or myself. The thought terrifies me, But it's one I live with everyday, Acknowledging that I am weak, and one day they will take over, and I wouldn't put up a fight anymore. It's life, and I'll accept as that. Because it is, isn't it?
Life can be a bitch But don’t let it get you down It will be alright. No matter how far No matter the problem. I Will always be here. Distance sucks, a lot I really wish I was close, Hate to see you pained.
There's something about the night. It's calls me, Like a mother does a child. Only is it when the sun goes down, and the moon rises Do I feel at home At peace. The stars are my siblings, The moon, my parent, The sky, my future. The possibilities are endless, There's no saying what can happen. As more nights pass, The stronger the yearning To be with those who I've lost And those who have lived.
The things in life, That have meaning and worth, Never come easy, When it feels right, No matter the obstacles one must endure, The final result will be that much more meaningful.
Things happen. For a reason, right? What if they don't? What if there is no reason anything happens, Except to stress you out, Freak you out, Cause you pain. No reason, Except to turn you colder.
Dreams don't only happen while you sleep, Nor nightmares. Dreams do come true, But not without their rough patches. Even if the road isn't paved smoothly, Doesn't mean that the path isn't worth the trip, Sometimes those bumpy side roads lead to the best adventures.
original: Ja sam se izgubila. Help me, please. The moon calls me like you used to Reminding me when I was your little girl You're not around, But you're always there. Molim te, Budi tu za mene opet Nemoj mene zaboravit Ja sam uvijek tovja Pejicka.
translated: I've lost myself. Help me, please. The moon calls me like you used to Reminding me when I was your little girl You're not around, But you're always there. Please, Be there for me again Don't forget me I will always be your Pejicka.
Stars at night Only shine so bright. The moon Can sometimes hide But that doesn't mean The darkness is The only answer. Dawn comes around The sun greets you again The pain fades And new experiences Bring joy And memories That will never fade. Accept the darkness Welcome it But let it know When its overstayed Its welcome.
Taking off, Starting a new adventure, escaping life, enjoying the new, The old, The history Making new memories, Recreating old, Giving the world a reason to turn Hearing the engines turn into high gear, Playing the sweet symphony that is the unknown, Getting ready to race down the runway, Running, Racing, Going, Going, Going, Gone, To the new
Clouds, The sky's fluff, You bring Rain Storms Snow Crying Anger Emptiness But at the same time You bring Innocence Beauty Joy/.; Animals in the sky Flying through you causes Turbulence Stress Paranoia Screams Getting to watch the sun Make its daily appearance Relief Happiness A reminder that better days are to come.
Feeling like nothing, Even though I do everything, Somehow it is not enough I need to do more To become a shell Never feel Enjoy Breathe Sleep Become the nothing I feel The air that surrounds everyone The dust that covers world The negative energy that surrounds me I am nothing I feel nothing Nothing is me.
The clouds surround me I know I'm on a plane, But something makes me Wish I was flying through them myself
I am surrounded by brightness, Hope, Sun, Endless potential. All I see is Darkness, Despair, Black hole, Constant disappointment. It's a cycle That never ends, No matter the settings. But everyone is always trying to make me See the good in me, the world, anything. But I can't see it Something is making me blind Not letting me see my potential, grow, Breathe, Or just be. It's all I want. The darkness to leave, And the light to take its place.
One day, I know you're going to break me There won't be any Bruises, Marks, Broken bones, But I will forever Be missing pieces I didn't mean to give so much And It kills me To say this out loud When you love, You give a piece of yourself A piece you will never get back One that you will always miss One that can never be replaced. There will be no evidence of the pain, Just the Poems Stories Song lyrics as statuses we used to post as kids But I'll know, I'll know what you meant to me, And the place I have to burrowed myself into, to not let the pain break me I hope this fear isn't true, That I haven't predicted my future pain That I have let myself go into the comfort of my doubts As a form of self-preservation Because if I am right I don't think I'll ever be able to come back from it. As I lay here, In your arms, you start to fall asleep, I whisper my pleas to your chest, Hoping that you will hear me, But not hear my fear Worries or doubts Please, Don't break me
Contentment A word that is# only known by feeling it That is what I feel when I'm with you It's what I felt stating in front of the river with you that night The waves acting as my anchor, the moon's presence grounding me, The bridge reminding me of home. You are my new home And I never want to imagine a time Where I won't feel this, Or have you to hold me and remind me that I am not alone.
Too comfortable means fear Means I need to run I need to leave and never look back If I stay, I won’t know who I am anymore